In this article
- If your safety is threatened
- What a crisis can complicate
- Recognizing forms of violence
- A personalized protection scenario
- Digital security: avoid automatic gestures
- For the entourage: how to help
- When to ask for an outside intervention
- If you use violence
- After security: needs that remain concrete
- Audited resources
If your safety is threatened
In Quebec, in immediate danger, call 911 As soon as you can do it safely. For listening, guidance and assistance in preparing a protection scenario, SOS Domestic Violence is available at: 1 800 363-9010, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It is possible to ask for help without having already decided to leave the relationship.
In France, call him 17 or the 112 emergency; the SMS to 114 alert when it is impossible to speak. The 3919 is a listening and referral service for women victims of violence; it is not an urgent response number.
If a loved one is monitoring your device, reading this page can leave traces. Private mode does not protect against all forms of surveillance. If possible, use a device that the violent person does not have access to and seek advice from a specialized resource. A sudden change in passwords, location, or digital habits can also alert that person.
A prolonged crisis can reduce the chances of getting out, seeing loved ones, or getting transportation. In a relationship where violence or control exists, these constraints can complicate access to help. Preparing the home is therefore not enough: it is also necessary to take into account the safety of each person who lives there.
The responsibility for the violence lies with the person exercising it. A breakdown, containment, financial difficulties or disagreement on reserves never justify it. Family preparation should not be used as a pretext to monitor travel, confiscate documents or isolate a partner.
This guide is aimed at people who are experiencing violence, those around them and citizens who want to help without making the situation worse. It presents benchmarks and resources; a protection plan must be adapted with a stakeholder to the real context, children and communication opportunities.
What a crisis can complicate
Imposed proximity can reduce the times when one can speak freely. A person who was taking advantage of a trip to work, a visit or an appointment to call a loved one may lose this possibility. A power outage or evacuation can also make it more difficult to recharge a phone, access money, or transport to a safe place.
These difficulties do not mean that any family becomes violent during a crisis. They indicate why a preparedness plan should leave each of the means to communicate and access help. Imposed isolation, fear and control are not ordinary family protection measures.
The crisis can be used as a pretext: to ban all contact in the name of security, to pretend that services will no longer help, to withhold medicines or to control access to reserves alone. Specialized services can help examine these behaviours and accessible solutions, even when options seem limited.
Recognizing forms of violence
Beyond physical violence
Domestic violence takes many forms, many of which are less visible but also destructive.
Physical violence:
- Blows, slaps, strangulation, jostling
- Use of objects as weapons
- Physical Restriction (prevent going out, lock up)
- Violence during sleep
- Deprivation of necessary medical care or medication
Psychological abuse:
- Constant humiliation, denigration, insults
- Intimidation, threats (against the victim, children, relatives, animals)
- Communications control, constant monitoring
- Imposed isolation of family and friends
- Systematic devalorization (“you’re crazy”, “no one will believe you”, “you’re not worth anything”)
- Gaslighting (making the victim doubt their own perception of reality)
Economic Violence:
- Total control of household finances
- Deprivation of access to money or credit cards
- Sabotage of the victim’s employment or training
- Forced debt in the name of the victim
- Exploitation of domestic work without recognition
Sexual violence:
- Forced or coerced sex
- Unconsensual sexual acts
- Use of sexuality as a tool of humiliation
- Reproductive control (sabotage of contraception, forced pregnancy)
Coercive control:
Violence is never justified
Stress, an alleged provocation or a crisis do not justify violence. The responsibility for the violence lies with the person exercising it, never with the victim.
A personalized protection scenario
One piece of advice valid for one person can expose another. The time of departure, account change or bag preparation should be reviewed based on monitoring, threats, transportation and children. SOS conjugal violence can support this reflection and direct towards accommodation adapted to the needs.
The scenario can consider several situations: ask for help by staying temporarily at home, take shelter during an episode, organize a departure or protect yourself after the separation. You don’t have to have a perfect plan to call. In an emergency, the priority is to reach the rescue and to be safe according to the possibilities of the moment, without delaying an exit to recover objects.
Concrete questions to consider with a resource
- What means of communication can be used without being monitored? When is it safe to receive a call or message?
- Which safe place is accessible and how to get there if the car, transport or phone is unavailable?
- Can a trusted person keep essential documents or effects without increasing the danger?
- What needs of children, medicines, mobility aids and animals should be taken into account?
- Is a word agreed upon with a loved one useful and what specific action should that person take if he or she receives it?
A hand signal or code word is not understood by all and does not guarantee intervention. If you agree to a signal with someone, discuss its meaning and expected response; don’t make it your only way to ask for help.
Essential documents and effects
Where it is possible to do so without increasing the risk, the scenario may include access to important identification documents, children’s documents, keys, means of payment, medications and contact information. A small bag can be kept in a safe place agreed with a trusted person. Its preparation should not become an obligation, nor be discovered because of a shared list or message.
The rules of custody, protection and housing can ask for appropriate legal advice. A specialized resource can facilitate orientation. This article does not recommend circumventing a court decision or resolving these issues alone under pressure.
Children are not responsible for stopping violence
A scenario can have simple instructions, adapted to their age and abilities: where to get safe, which adult to contact and how to ask for help. Don’t entrust them with the task of physically intervening, protecting a parent through confrontation, or gathering evidence. Their own safety remains a priority.
Digital security: avoid automatic gestures
A shared device or account can reveal searches, moves, or exchanges. Family accounts and some connected objects must also be taken into account. The private browsing mode is not enough to exclude this monitoring.
The domestic violence SOS guide distinguishes precautions before a breakup, at the time of departure and once safe. It advises against changes that could alert the partner before their consequences have been considered. Get accompanied to choose the right time; do not automatically apply a list of settings found online.
Keeping messages or documents can be useful for procedures, but it should not lead you to remain in a dangerous situation or create a folder accessible to the violent person. Ask a resource how to document and protect these items depending on your situation.
For the entourage: how to help
Recognising the signals in a loved one
Victims of domestic violence often hide their situation out of shame, fear or feelings of helplessness. Signals can alert people.
Changes in behavior:
- Social withdrawal, frequent cancellation of plans
- Visible anxiety in the presence of the partner
- Change of personality (becomes submissive, fearful, silent)
- Constant phone checking, afraid of missing partner calls
- Frequent justifications of the partner's behaviour
Physical signals:
- Unexplained injuries or inconsistent explanations
- Wearing clothing even in hot weather
- Neglected health problems
Visible control of the partner:
- Partner controls conversations, interrupts, responds in its place
- Progressive isolation – “we prefer to stay between us”
- Control of finances, communications, visible movements
- Disparagement or humiliation of partner in public
Approaching a loved one safely
Approaching the subject of domestic violence with a loved one requires delicacy and respect for its autonomy.
What helps:
- Choose a private and safe moment: Never in the presence of a potentially violent partner
- Expressing concern without judgment: “I’ve noticed... I’m worried about you.”
- Listening without minimizing: believe what is said, do not relativize
- Avoid criticizing the partner directly: This can put the victim on the defensive.
- Offer unconditional support: “I’m here for you no matter what you decide.”
- Provide information on resources: help numbers, shelters
- Respect the rhythm: Do not force to start if not ready
- Maintaining contact: remain available even if she refuses help immediately
What does not help:
- Ultimatums (“If you don’t leave, I can’t help you anymore”)
- Judgment (“Why do you stay?”, “You chose it”)
- Minimization (“at least it doesn’t hit you,” “it’s not that bad”)
- Take control (“you have to leave now”, “here’s what you’re going to do”)
- Direct confrontation with the perpetrator (may put the victim at increased risk)
- Breaking contact if she refuses help
Concrete practical support
Useful forms of support:
- Offer to keep documents or an emergency bag at home
- Be available as an emergency contact
- Accompany to appointments (police, lawyer, doctor) if desired
- Provide temporary accommodation if possible and safe
- Discreet financial assistance if capacity
- Care of children to allow procedures
- Testimony if necessary (documentation of what we have seen or heard)
When to ask for an outside intervention
If you witness ongoing violence or fear immediate danger, call for help and describe what you are observing, with the address and useful information. Do not expose yourself by confronting the violent person. Do not inform the victim of the victim’s actions or his/her place of accommodation.
If you have concerns for a child, contact the youth protection in your area or emergency services depending on the danger. A specialized resource can also guide you. Rules and contact information depend on the territory: do not use an old number found in an unverified list.
Outside of the emergency, seek advice before a move that could cause retaliation or reveal an address. Respecting a person’s autonomy doesn’t mean being alone with their concerns: you can call SOS Domestic Violence as a family member to find out how to support them.
If you use violence
Threatening, humiliating, hitting, imposing sexual relations or controlling communications does not become acceptable because one is worried or overwhelmed. Recognising these behaviors requires taking concrete steps to stop them and seeking specialized help.
Talk to a service for people with violent behaviours, or seek guidance from psychosocial services. The promises made to the partner do not replace this approach. Respect contact limits, court decisions and the eventual decision of separation. A process of change does not create any right to forgiveness or the resumption of the relationship.
A situation of violence or coercive control should not be treated as a simple problem of communication between two equally responsible partners. Security and specialized individual support come before an automatic proposal for mediation or couples therapy.
After security: needs that remain concrete
Housing, income, care, legal procedures and school continuity may require several relays. The entourage can offer a precise and realistic help, without deciding in the place of the person: transport agreed, childcare, accompaniment to an appointment or conservation of documents.
Emotional reactions and support needs vary. No healing schedule or diagnosis can be made from this article. If distress, sleep, health or daily activities are affected, ask a professional for an assessment; help can also be given to children. It is not necessary to wait for a fixed time online to consult.
In the preparation of the home, personal access to documents, communications, skills and social connections remains a useful benchmark. Cooperation does not require one person to own all resources alone or monitor others. If preserving this autonomy exposes you to retaliation, discuss it with a resource rather than announcing new rules on your own.