After a crisis: avoiding mistakes during recovery

The emergency preparedness literature is almost entirely devoted to two phases: pre-crisis preparedness and survival during the crisis. But there is a third phase, rarely addressed and yet crucial: recovery after the crisis. What happens when electricity returns, when services resume, when the threat recedes and you have to return to a “normal” life.

This phase has its own psychological, social and practical challenges - distinct from those of immediate and often underestimated survival. The hypervigilance developed during the crisis does not deactivate instantly. Stressed relationships during confinement do not repair automatically. The guilt of having gone through the crisis better than others can persist for a long time. The identity built around survival must be rebuilt for a life that is no longer in emergency mode.

This article explores the common mistakes of this recovery phase, the specific psychological challenges it poses, and the documented strategies for navigating this challenging territory. It addresses those who have gone through a crisis – big or small – and are now faced with the uncomfortable question: “The crisis is over, why am I not getting better?”

Important note

Mistake 2: Waiting for an Instant Return to “Normality””

The Myth of Switching on/off

There is an implicit belief that recovery works like a switch: the crisis ends, we immediately return to what we were before. The documented reality is very different.

Recovery is a gradual, non-linear process involving progress and setbacks. It looks more like a recovery from a physical injury – gradual healing with better days and worse days – than an instant return to pre-crisis functioning.

Characteristics of the actual recovery :

• Non-linearity : progress with occasional setbacks, non-constant progress
• Daily variability : Some days are harder than others for no obvious reason.
• Unpredictable triggers : stimuli associated with the crisis may temporarily reactivate stress responses
• Variable duration : from a few weeks to several years depending on the severity of the crisis and the resources available
• Permanent change : you never go back exactly to “before” – you integrate the experience

The New Normal vs. the Old Normal

An important concept in the psychology of recovery: the “new normal”. After difficult events, people do not return to the same as they were before. They integrate experience and build a new normal that incorporates what has been experienced.

Accepting the New Normal :

• Recognize that some things will never be exactly the same as before
• Identify what can be rebuilt and what needs to be let go
• Enable the emergence of new priorities, perspectives, values
• Avoid constant comparison with “before””
• Finding meaning and value in the person transformed by experience

This acceptance is not resignation - it is realistic recognition that transformative experiences leave traces that become part of who we are.

Impatience of Recovery

A significant source of distress during recovery: impatience with the process itself. “I should already get better,” “It’s been X weeks, why am I still struggling?”, “The others seem to have recovered, why not me?”

This impatience adds a layer of distress to the existing distress. It creates shame (“I don’t recover fast enough”) and anxiety (“What if I never recover?”).

Cultivating Compassionate Patience :

• Remember that recovery takes the time it takes - impossible to force it
• Celebrating small progress rather than focusing on the gap”
• Treating yourself with the same compassion that you would offer a friend going through the same thing
• Recognize that recovery trajectories vary widely across individuals and contexts
• Avoid comparison with others (their resources, their specific traumas, their support are different))

Mistake No. 3: The Survivor's Guilt

Benchmarks

Survivor’s Guilt is a well-documented psychological phenomenon: emotional distress experienced by those who survived a traumatic event while others suffered more, died, or suffered greater losses.

This guilt is not rational in the sense that the person has often done nothing wrong. But it is psychologically real and can be profoundly disabling.

Joint events :

• Feeling that we do not “deserve” to have gone through the crisis better than others
• Ruminating on what we could have done differently to help more
• Difficulty feeling joy or relief (“How can I be happy while others are still suffering?”)
• Self-punishment or sabotage of one’s own well-being
• Obsession with the details of why self survived and not others
• A sense of responsibility for results beyond their control

Contexts where it typically emerges :

• After disasters where some die or are seriously injured and others do not
• When his own preparation has made it through the crisis better than unprepared relatives
• After economic crises where some lose jobs/home and others do not
• In disease contexts where some heal and others don’t
• After losses in the family or community group

Why the Survivor's Guilt Persists

• Illusion of control : Feeling guilty implies that one could have done something differently - this illusion of control is less anxious than accepting the randomness of who suffers and who survives.
• Connecting to the Lost : Guilt maintains some form of connection with those who have suffered or died
• Avoidance of acceptance : Feeling guilty postpones the painful acceptance that random injustices exist
• Consistency with values : Feeling bad about the suffering of others is consistent with values of empathy and justice.

Dealing with the Survivor’s Guilt

Validated approaches :

Cognitive restructuring :

• Examine rationally the real degree of control one had over events
• Distinguishing what was in your control vs. what wasn’t
• Challenging Unrealistic Beliefs About What We Should Have Done
• Recognize that survival or loss often involves random factors

Work on meaning and legacy :

• Turning guilt into constructive action in memory of the lost
• Contribute to causes that would have been important to them
• Living fully as a way of honoring those who no longer have this opportunity
• Share their stories to keep their memory alive

Acceptance and self-compassion :

• Recognizing that feeling guilty is human and understandable
• Treating yourself with compassion for this suffering rather than punishing yourself more
• Accept that you have the right to live and be happy even after surviving
• Give yourself permission to let go of guilt when you’re ready

• Sharing with other survivors who understand the experience
• Normalization of Emotion
• Mutual support in the healing process

Mistake 4: Neglecting Damaged Relationships

Tensions created during the crisis

As explored in a previous article in this series, protracted crises stress relationships – couples, families, friendships. Tensions, conflicts, injuries that emerge under stress do not automatically disappear when the crisis ends.

Types of Post-Crisis Relationship Damage :

• Unresolved feelings for behaviour during the crisis
• Loss of confidence due to perceived breaches
• Dysfunctional communication patterns installed under stress that persist
• Emotional distance created by survival mode that does not close spontaneously
• Power imbalances amplified during the crisis that persist after

The mistake of waiting for spontaneous repair

A common belief: “Once the pressure is removed, relationships will naturally repair.” For some relationships with solid pre-crisis relational capital, this is partially true. For many others, damage requires active repair.

Why Spontaneous Repair Often Fails :

• Injuries are not explicitly addressed - they accumulate in silence
• Each hopes that the other will “forget” or “go on to something else.””
• The shame of admitting one’s own mistakes during the crisis prevents remedial conversations
• Dysfunctional patterns installed under stress become habits
• Avoidance is easier in the short term than constructive confrontation

Rebuilding actively

Stages of relational reconstruction :

1. Mutual recognition of what happened :

• Explicit conversation about the difficulties experienced during the crisis
• Mutual validation that it was difficult for everyone
• Avoid the game of “who suffered the most””

2. Responsibility for own behaviour :

• Sincere apologies for specific hurtful behaviors
• Avoid justifications (“I was stressed”) that minimize impact
• Recognition of effect on the other person

3. Establishment of new standards :

• Explicit discussion on how to handle future stress differently
• Establishing red lines and mutual commitments
• Identification of warning signals and response protocols

4. Gradual rebuilding of confidence :

• Consistent actions in time, not just words
• Patience with the process - confidence slowly rebuilds
• Celebrating even small progress

5. Reinvestment in the relationship :

• Quality time together without discussion of the crisis
• Shared fun activities
• Reconstruction of emotional and physical intimacy

When repair is not possible

Honesty needed: some relationships do not survive crises. The damage may be too deep, the will to repair absent on one side or the other, or the crisis may have revealed fundamental incompatibilities.

Signs that a relationship may not be recoverable :

• Lack of willingness on the part of either party to make repair efforts
• Persistent and widespread contempt (one of Gottman’s “four horsemen” predicting divorce))
• Violation of fundamental values during the crisis (violence, abuse, major betrayals))
• Complete absence of remaining emotional connection
• Established pattern of a partner making every effort without reciprocity

In these cases, accepting the end of the relationship can be the healthiest decision – for oneself and sometimes for the other as well.

Mistake No. 5: Post-Crisis Social Isolation

Why the isolation persists

Prolonged crises often generate social isolation - physical confinement, breakage of social routines, trauma-related withdrawal. The return to social life afterwards is not done automatically.

Obstacles to social return :

• Social Dishabituation : After months of isolation, social interaction has become uncomfortable or anxious.
• Feeling of shift : “No one can understand what I’ve been through.”
• Shame or guilt : feeling of not deserving of social pleasure or fear of judgment
• Limited energy : recovery consumes the energy that would be needed to socialize
• Identity changes : no longer recognize themselves in the activities or groups before
• Social media itself damaged : friends having gone through their own crises, moves, losses

The costs of prolonged isolation

Effects of Social Isolation :

• Significantly increased risk of depression and anxiety
• Spiral isolation - the more isolated you are, the harder it becomes to reconnect

Gradual reconstruction of the social network

The return to social life after prolonged isolation benefits from a gradual and caring approach.

Reconnection strategies :

Start small :

• Short and undemanding interactions at the start
• Text messages or calls before aiming for in-person meetings
• Structured activities (courses, groups) vs open conversations if social anxiety

Identify priority connections :

• With whom was the connection most nourishing before?
• Who has shown empathy and support during the crisis?
• Which relationships deserve to be reinvested as a priority?

Accept that some relationships have changed :

• Some friendships do not survive crises and transformations
• This is normal and not necessarily anyone’s fault.
• Letting go of relationships that no longer serve allows you to invest in those that nourish you.

Explore new connections :

• Post-crisis or post-trauma support groups
• Activities based on new interests developed during recovery
• Volunteering or community engagement

Dealing with the perceived gap :

• Selective sharing of experience with those who can hear it
• Acceptance that you can’t share everything with everyone
• Specific search for people with similar experiences
• Permission to live also “normal” moments without bringing everything back to crisis

Recovery as an ongoing process

Recognize that there is no “end””

One of the difficult but liberating achievements of recovery: there is no definitive point of arrival where everything is “set” and where you can tick the “restore” box.

Recovery is better understood as an ongoing process than a state of arrival. We continue to integrate experience, to discover new facets of its impact, to develop new coping strategies. Some triggers can temporarily reactivate stress responses even years later.

This reality is not defeatist - it is realistic. Accepting that recovery is an ongoing process rather than a goal to achieve reduces pressure and disappointment.

Indicators of progress

Even if recovery has no “end,” there are indicators of progress that can be recognized and celebrated.

Signs of movement towards recovery :

• Reduced frequency and intensity of distress symptoms
• Increasing ability to function in the basic areas of life (work, relationships, self-care))
• Growing moments of joy, laughter, pleasure without guilt
• Ability to talk about the experience without being emotionally overwhelmed
• Reinvestment in meaningful projects and relationships
• Feeling of having integrated experience rather than being defined by it
• Increasing confidence in its ability to cope with future challenges

Prevention of relapse

Future stress, anniversaries of the crisis, or new difficult events can temporarily reactivate symptoms. This reactivation is not a failure of recovery - it is a normal response that deserves attention.

Prevention strategies :

• Identify your specific personal triggers
• Maintaining emotional regulation practices even when everything is fine
• Maintaining an active support network
• Recognize early warning signs of emerging distress
• Have a plan of action if symptoms intensify (who to call, what strategies to use)
• Do not hesitate to seek professional help if significant relapse

Conclusion: honouring recovery as a legitimate phase

Post-crisis recovery deserves to be recognized as a legitimate and demanding phase of the crisis experience – not as a mere epilogue or automatic transition to “before”.

Key points to remember:

• Recovery is not instantaneous — It is a gradual, non-linear process, variable according to the people.
• Hypervigilance developed during the crisis does not turn off automatically and may require intervention
• The guilt of the survivor is a common and legitimate psychological response that can be treated
• Relationships damaged during the crisis require active repair, not passive waiting
• Prolonged social isolation has documented costs and deserves reconnection effort
• Post-traumatic growth is possible for some but is neither automatic nor mandatory
• Recovery is an ongoing process rather than a final state of arrival
• Seek professional help Recovery is a sign of wisdom, not weakness.

If you are currently going through a recovery phase and you are struggling: you are not weak. You don’t “recover fast enough.” You have not failed. You are going through a difficult process that takes the time it takes. Be patient and compassionate with yourself.

Recovery is not the “easy” phase after the crisis – it is often where the deepest psychological work is done. Recognising its legitimacy and difficulty is the first step towards authentic and lasting recovery.

The crisis has transformed you. Recovery is the process by which you discover who you are now – integrating what has been experienced, rebuilding what can be, and finding your way into this new normal.

You deserve the time, support and compassion to do this work. It’s difficult. It is legitimate. And you don’t have to do it alone.

If you have been through a crisis, where are you in your recovery? What part of this process do you find most difficult? What support would help you the most now?